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Yesterday was my birthday, but I kept remembering my brother. He will never have another birthday. He will forever be 44, although I picture him best in his 20s.

I was driving I-75 in Oakland County, which I haven't done in that area since rushing to the hospital the day he died. Then, last night, I was watching a movie with a flat-line scene.

And I just sobbed.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

An open letter to my husband's exwife

You screwed up. It wasn't recently, over even last year, but started many years ago. I know, I saw it.

For too long, you let Cody rule. Then, when he is getting ready to graduate high school, you try to rein him in? IT'S TOO LATE!

You complain about him not respecting you. You whine about how much money he costs...he is how YOU made him.

He is so much like you. Ask anyone else.

Don't blame Rick. You always went against everything he suggested. Don't even blame Cody. He learned it from watching you.

Rick is a great father. The best. I've seen him with Karina for many years now. I've seen him with Cody.

Cody has the best of 2 worlds. He has 2 sets of parents who love him very much. Sure, Cody was "a child of divorce." Of course, not an easy way of life. But it all depends on how the child is raised.

Karina, by birthright, should be much more screwed up than Cody. Instead, she embraced the love given to her. Everything else, she had to earn...allowance, trust, respect. She did chores, she did well in her classes, she respected others, she abided by our rules.

Now, we have a daughter who we can trust. As she got older and showed more maturity, the rules were relaxed, but NOT dismissed. Even being away at college, she knows to check in with us. When she comes home, she is free to come and go, but we are kept informed with whom, where and when to expect her back. She is responsible enough to know automatic chores, like letting the dog out, doing her own laundry and even taking the garbage out to the road. That was how she was trained, just like after dinner, the table gets cleaned up.

She doesn't expect handouts or pricey items to show off. She never has expected her parents to be ATMs. Every time she is given money, she says, "Thank you." Basic courtesy. I remember having to teach Cody to say those words, along with "please," "excuse me" and "no thank you."

Cody was never given consistency. Your rules fluctuated. When you were called to the school, he didn't have consequences. That's YOUR bad. Rick was not kept in the loop by you. Instead, Cody was allowed to spiral out of control.

The relationship you have with Cody is how you chose to make it many years ago. I can tell you that you will live to regret this show of "tough love."

Rick and I are going to do what we can to undo the years of your "parenting." As someone who has gone MANY years without speaking to her family, I can honestly tell you that it would kill me to be rejected by my daughter. You may be OK with your high and mighty attitude now, but God forbid, if something happens to you...or to your only child.

Have you EVER thought, "what if these are our last words?" Could you be at peace with yourself if this is how it all ends? Think about it. It happened to my parents.

Real parents don't write their kid off because they are kicking them out when the 18-year-old kid won't abide by "the rules" (which were ridiculously more lax when they were in 17 and in high school!)

Nope, the issue is less with Cody and mostly about you. Cody is coming here KNOWING I'm a "tyrant." That's darn pathetic. You screwed up many years ago. Don't try to blame anyone else until you accept it yourself.
The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

End of days

My father-in-law has been given 3 months to live.

The cancer is winning. The chemo hasn't worked a bit.

Rick said the family dinner yesterday was full of laughs and tears. Like the coming days.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Besides sleeping in, I'm thankful for LOTS this year.

My husband (Rick), my kids (Cody and Karina), my families, my friends, my job, my home, my employees, my coworkers, my car, the usuals.

I'm grateful also for falling gas prices, AMTRAK, digital cameras, Diet Coke, dollar menu items, the Net, 90210 reruns and funny jokes. Consignment shops, venison, HGTV, Lenscrafters (glasses in an hour) and GLAAD.

My 4 cats and dog, Niko. Because of them, I am NEVER alone. Not right now, not when I go into the bathroom. Stalking laws don't apply to pets.

And I cannot forget BLACK, the slimming color! THANK YOU!

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Holiday plans

Karina and I have decided to go out for Thanksgiving dinner. We aren't eating at home or with family. We aren't making dinner.

This is a first for us, so it is very special. My parents and Rick's parents are less than thrilled because we could go there. My assistant invited me to her house where she is putting on dinner for 13.

Wonderful offers, but this is what we want. It's pretty different, so maybe it will make us appreciate staying home more.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

A true Secret Santa

My staff decided that instead of Secret Santa for each other, we are going to take that money and adopt families in need.

"We have enough." "That's the spirit of Christmas!"

It was such a proud moment for me during the staff meeting. When other depts heard about it, they wanted in, too. Of course, they are still doing their Secret Santa.

The atmosphere is electric with the happiness and stresslessness of this decision. No worries about impressing other people or hurt feelings. It's not about us, it's about GIVING TO OTHERS.

This is a happy holiday!

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

It can never be said enough...

Every day, I miss my daughter. (Thank goodness for cellphones, Facebook and e-mail!)Karina is such a dynamic force with a subtlety that never ceases to amaze everyone who meets her.

While I miss our nightly chats while she walks all over her mama - literally, to adjust my back as only SHE can - it makes me so proud to see her growing up. Challenging herself academically with not just 1 major, not just 2, but THREE majors!

That's darn impressive!

How brave is it that she left home for a school where she knew no one? A hundred miles from home? Not to follow a man, but to do her own thing.

She's becoming an activist for causes she believes in, instead of becoming a bigot. She voted without complaint, she understands her civic duty. Her eyes are truly opening to the whole world, not just the little community with her high school or college.

Of course, she's not living in the REAL world. She doesn't have to pay her own bills. She doesn't have a real job. But what she has...OPPORTUNITIES...never goes to her head. There's no entitlement, no Princess complex.

When I was pregnant, I knew she was a girl. Never asked during ultrasounds. Didn't think about a boy name. I just knew.

And I have that same feeling now with her. I just know. But even more than that, I believe in her.
The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

A day off...

Finally got around to watching Hellboy 2 last night. Good popcorn and Junior Mints movie. Left wide open for another sequel.

Chatted with my mother-in-law on IM, also. There are complications with my father-in-law's cancer treatment. Rick doesn't know yet.

And I have to say that it is wonderful to be married to a man who I trust implicitly! He's gone for 3 weeks and I have no worries. Sometimes, he's a moron, but so am I. Seriously, I cannot imagine having to stay married to a liar just because of the economy. And I thought I had self-esteem issues back in the day!

Finished up re-arranging my kitchen yesterday before heading to lunch with a friend. Found some great Elvis Christmas cards at Kmart, so I bought a pack. My mom and Karina will be impressed!
The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Somebody call The Wizard!

This poor 14-year-old girl lived 114 days without a heart!

And she had a form of cardiomyopathy.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Happy Venison Day!

Rick got (me) a 6-point at 10 a.m. I love it when he gets one on Opening Day!

Can't wait for the burger and summer sausage. Chili and sloppy joes just aren't the same without venison burger!

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Proactive, not reactive, especially not OVERREACTIVE!

My cardiologist appt is now for Tuesday, Dec. 9.

I've been reading up on cardiomyopathy. Unlike with other possible ailments I've faced in my life, this time I can't rule it out entirely. Not that I'm diagnosing myself with a heart condition, but thanks to the Net, I was very prepared when the opthamaologist said Karina had optic neuritis.

Those words weren't as scary as hearing "possible MS."

And when the tumor was removed from my head, I wasn't freaking out about it being cancerous. That worry was barely there. My main concern was the nerves that the tumor was around and near. A millimeter off by my surgeon and I could have lost my hearing, vision or facial nerves on my left side.

But as I went under for that procedure, my main worry, if I recall correctly, was more about PURPLE VELVET DRESSES. So, yeah, cancer fears weren't even in my subconscious.

I'm pretty good at internet doctoring. It's about being informed of the possibilities, knowing what to expect, not hearing a possible condition and feeling like somebody just strapped a ticking time bomb to your chest.

I much prefer my reaction to feel like I was punched in the gut.
The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Losing my religion

As if Catholics don't already have pedophile issues and declining enrollment in churches, which they are consolidating!

According to this wack-job priest, Catholics who voted for Prez-elect Obama should NOT receive communion. All because Obama is prochoice, which is very bad according to The Catholic Church.

You know, "MURDER."

According to this wack-job, the vote ONLY hinged on abortion. Forget that McCain supported the death penalty. And vowed to continue GWB's wars, which have killed thousands of innocent people.

You know, "MURDER."

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

My weekend

I think I want a new set of china. Gonna hit my favorite consignment shop Saturday afternoon. (No, it's not for Thanksgiving. I just love china sets.)

Maybe do some Christmas shopping. Make a fire and drink a warm cappucino while watching the summer junk mail burn.

Or maybe I'll just sit in front of my puter and eat Cheezits and drink Diet Cherry Coke. For a change of scenery, flip on the TV.

I'm trying for a nice and quiet weekend!
The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Who's he?

A very interesting find today in my mag collection of yesteryear.

January 3, 2005 cover of Newsweek:

The WHO'S NEXT issue
2005
Barack Obama

A Rising Star Who Wants to Get Beyond Blue vs. Red

SEEING PURPLE

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

It's too late

I've often wondered why, suddenly, I will just want to cry about my brother. It takes a few deep breaths to calm down.

It seemed phony, since it'd been many years since we'd spoken.

But now, we will NEVER speak again. Neither will he speak again to my parents. It's too late.

He will never see his son again. His son will never see him again. It's too late.

His son missed the family service.

My other brother was there when it happened. I hate that he has that guilt of not saving him.

And I'm scared that I might have the condition, too. What if I do and passed it along to Karina?

It killed my brother, nearly killed my mother. But, at least, it's NOT too late for us.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Rumors

A cardiologist appt has been made for me. Next month. I hate waiting.

With all the ugly "unnamed" rumors coming out about Sarah Palin by McCain's people, it sure is a good thing that McCain didn't win the election! That would have been UGLY!

Can we agree that conservative Republicans picked her as his VP candidate because they were counting on him not making it through his term?

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Think about it...

It never ceases to amaze me how, in this day and age, few financial institutions are actually on "real time." This is a good question to ask when opening a new account.

Many do not immediately credit your account for cash deposits or cash loan payments made into their own branch (NOT including ATMs.) Instead, they are a day behind.

It's even more antiquated when you go in at 4 p.m. and they are already on the next biz day! I understand that Saturday is generally not treated as a biz day (since the Feds are closed), but IMHO, if you are just depositing cash or making a cash loan payment, it should be IMMEDIATE.

This is advantageous to the financial institution. They get to sit on deposits and collect interest, while not PAYING interest until the next biz day. Sure, your $100 isn't much, but multiply that by 5000 other customers doing the same thing and it's darn ugly.

The banks are betting that you will incur one of their hefty fees; even though the money is in your account, it's still "pending." Not yours.

So, call your financial institution and ask them just to be informed about your current account. And call some others to find out their policy. You might be surprised!
The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

My political views

As I watched John McCain's concession speech last night, I was grateful he wasn't giving his acceptance monologue.

Sarah Palin was a BAD choice by the GOP. McCain was stupid for going along with it. Up til Aug 29, he WAS a maverick. With her, it became evident that he was just a puppet.

During the boos that strategically interrupted McCain, Palin smiled. She sure did keep her distance from McCain, which leads me to believe no bond had been forged btwn the two.

Now, Palin can go back to Alaska. Maybe study up on international affairs while she (admittedly) puts on her heels and lipstick.

I did find it interesting how many Republicans I personally know who bashed Hillary Clinton for seeking the nomination and felt women should be at home taking care of their husband and kids, but these same people were so excited about Palin! Family values! She has 5 kids!

Then again, these are the same Republicans who helped bashed McCain back in 2000.

Maybe now, he can go back to being The Maverick.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

The obit makes everything so final.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

Scattered updates

I went to work today. Crazy as it seemed, it helped.

Major updates are:
1. Scott's son found out today.
2. Scott's body will be donated to a medical university. Or, as I prefer to joke, my brother is finally going to college!
3. I picked up Karina last night and we are heading to my parents tomorrow after I vote. She will spend the rest of the week with them. My mom needs her.
4. I am making a cardiologist appt today. My brother and my mom have the same heart condition, which is hereditary. Scott was in relatively good shape. I want to rule it out for me.
5. My friend Jana asked me about the memorial service. Despite never meeting my brother or family, she was going to drive 100 miles to share her condolences...for me. She is just one of several friends that I am lucky enough to call my "chosen family."
The Last of Sheila (Coburn)

RIP, Scott (1964-2008)

Saturday morning my mom called to tell me that my oldest brother, Scott, was in the hospital. It was serious.

Friday night, my two older brothers went to dinner together. Right after eating a steak dinner, Scott had a massive heart attack. We made the family decision to not let him suffer. My other brother, Curt, lived with Scott and it was what he wanted. Scott's organs were shutting down despite the life support machines.

In January 2007, my mom was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy. Friday night, my parents found out that Scott was also diagnosed with the same heart condition last year. Scott did not have health insurance, so he was not lucky enough to receive the same care as my mother. He had stents put in because the defibulator was denied. According to Curt, Scott did take his condition seriously and quit his vices cold turkey: smoking and drinking.

Unfortunately, my family is not close. It has been YEARS since I've spoken with my brothers. No reason, unlike my parents not speaking either of their sons. My parents actually live only 3 blocks from my brothers, but did not know it.

I made an effort several times over the years, but nothing ever panned out. We were never raised that family is important. That "simple" concept is something that I learned at the age of 24, when I met Rick.

Scott COULD have been alive today if my family wasn't so stubborn and prideful. We could have worked together to make sure Scott received the proper care. We could have shared information. We could have supported him, emotionally and financially.

None of that happened. There were no final words of love spoken btwn Scott and us, his family. Scott has a son who is incarcerated and will not find out about his dad until today), but he wasn't married. He didn't have a girlfriend either. Curt lived with him to assist him because Scott had another heart surgery and hernia surgery this past summer. Still no insurance.

There are a lot of regrets and guilt. I cannot imagine what my parents are going through right now. My mom, sister and I stayed once the morphine drip started and the machines were turned off. My dad and Curt had to leave for it, it was their way of coping, too. I held his right hand when his heart beat for the last time. I don't remember the last time I'd held my big brother's hand, but even after all these years, it was still bigger than mine.

Hopefully, Scott knew and is at peace. There has only been forgiveness. I pray Curt lets us into his life, even after the memorial. I don't want him going down that lonely road.

The Last of Sheila (Coburn)